So, I started my journy. I actually monitored what I ate yesterday. To my surprise it's not how much I eat, it's WHAT I eat. See I am a stay at home mom. I'm on the go. Most days I don't get a meal until 11 am. But I chose the quick, easy high cal foods. I scratched my head in pure curiosity. If I eat this many calories, yet I work out all day durring house work, why is it not melting off. It's the empty calories I comsume. It's much harder to work off "chip" calories then "apple" calories. So Now I am watching what it is I am eating.

Weight loss is training. Not diet, not obsessive excerise, but training. Training yourself to eat healthy food choices, full of flavour, that are enjoyable, without the poor calorie choices.

WILL POWER will be my weakness. I am home all day with the girls, with cookies, crackers, chips and Halloween candy I swear could be the death of me. Now to train myself into will power.

I hate having such a distorted relationship to food. I love food. I love to taste it and make it full of flavour. I can eat and wat if I want to. I also know that everything I enjoy is endangering my health. I hate staring in a mirror, knowing that I can't do the same things I used to do. I hate looking at the bluge on my tummy knowing it's all my fault. Plain and simple. And I really hate the people that blame it on the Pregnancy.

"It's not your fault, you had three babies, three years in a row. You look greast for that" COME ON! MY BABIES CERTAINLY DID NOT force that BIG MAC in my mouth. Or when I chose to have a daily diet of Cadbury Chocolate bars and Dr Pepper. They didn't make me lazy enough to lay on the couch and watch TV all day instead of doing laundry or dishes, perhaps, to get my blood flowing a little bit.

In the end of yesterday, I realized weight loss is in my hands. And blogging it and tracking it makes it all the more real for me. I will do this for once. I am done with my 5 year promise. It's now or never. Time for change or time to accept. But who wants to accept being plus size?

My biggest "crutch" I had over the years is buying minimum clothing. That was my "thing" in my head to reason to lose weight. If I don't have much, I will have to lose to get more. I refuse to buy plus size. Didn't work so well when parties and weddings came around and I had no choice but to do the depressed march into a store and try on everything with a promise "THIS IS THE LAST TIME".

I was weighed yesterday. I discouraging 205 lbs. But that's what woke me up. If this number crawls up the scale anymore I may not live to see thrity.