Shocking. Slightly disconcerting. Alarming. Horrifying. Is this what I want to do to myself?
I'm in the coffee shop at my college now, attempting--or kind of trying to get my paper done. I signed up today to give myself some motivation to work harder at losing weight. I have four days left until i go home, and so i feel like i can't focus on anything else except being efficient for my papers, packing, organizing my thoughts and my life after I'm done with college, and yet--here I am, unable to concentrate because for the umptenth time, I am horrified for my health.
I did the basic calorie counter for my meal so far, and just now I have eaten about 3/4 of my given calories. I know better than this--in theory. But stress seems to have gotten the better of me, and I'm trying to remind myself not to panic. How did it come to this? When did I lose sight of what i ate and the quantity? If i've eaten 3/4 of my calories for today (supposing I follow what PWL gives me), then how does that make me feel?
Everyone's worried about me, health wise. My boyfriend, my mother, father, friends, and myself. I feel how hard it is for me to get up out of the car, and the grimace i feel when it takes so long for me to get from one place to another. Losing 60 pounds would be great.. i would look totally different, and that's exciting. But I would be healthy and fit, supposing i don't forget this time what it feels like to remember that my health is at risk if i continue this way.
The good news is that i completely dropped the pringles I ate and haven't touched them since. The idea of eating junk food is horrifying, just as the feeling i have inside of me feels. The good news is that i have so much time before me to just focus on ME. I can focus on my writing, i can run (ugh), i can walk everywhere i go. I'll be in London, so the sight will be new, and I will have many things to explore. At this point, the only thing i can do is improve and remember how i felt when i looked at the approximation of what i ate in the first 5 hours of the day. I won't make my goal today, because i backtracked myself with gross junk food carbs.
I look at women who are fit and feel so unhapy that i'm not like that. It's not being skinny that i want. It's being healthy. I just have to remember that when i approach everything i eat. I'll have to be obsessive about writing everything down. "Obsessive" may seem a bit much, but if i'm not meticulous then how will i improve? Granted, i may not do it on the website, rather I'll start my own journal (again) and keep going. No more McDonalds when i go on my road trip. No more snacks. Fluids, lots of fluids that are like water and not soda (+high fructose corn syrup).
This is it. Now. I only have my life right now to take care of myself, and i can't wait anymore. |
