Isolated. Alone. Sad. Desperate. Self Pity.

Things I feel daily. Before today, I delt with my obesety by mylself. I thought I may come to terms and accept it. I make all sorts of excuses not to excerise. This was the new me. For 5 years I have been battling bulge. I started off as a slim young adult, only 5'4 and 135 lbs. I was never comfortable in my body back then. I had no appriciation for health. I had my first daughter when I was 20. I gained 60 lbs durring that pregnancy. My own fault of course, I ate all the wrong things. Especially when I was put on bed rest. Not even 3 months after I had my first daughter, I was pregnant with my second one. I was sick most of the first 4 months, however, I gained a lot of weight with her as well. Again, my love for MONOPOLY at McDonalds got the best of me.

I seriously thought I was young enough to take it off. I was 22. I thought It would melt away. I'd close my eyes, and some how I'd be thin. I puttered at trying to lose weight, and then decided to have my third daughter a year later. I lost weight pregnant with her. I was sick often. After I had her I thought I felt good. I thought I would lose baby weight no problem. I thought it was all a dream.

Well here I am, 2 years later, at 200 lbs, miserable. I look in the mirror and I see myself in a fat suit. I hate pictures being taken of me. I get stopped on the street by teenagers asking-"do you feel good as a beached whale?" All I want to do is lose the weight, and be comfortable in my own skin.

In 2007 I went to the gym for 2 hours 5 days a week. I cut my calorie intake, and was told by people I was losing weight. I knew I wasn't. Pants don't lie.  I injured myself and that was the last of my gym days.

I am relativly active. I had a full time job, on my feet all day. I went from that to being an at home mother. And any at home mother knows how much you move in a day. I eat. I try to eat healthy, most times rounding my calories up, so I can cut that little bit more out of my diet. Nothing works.

I hate looking at myself. For I know somewhere in there is the healthy me. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. hopefully this new step i took today is the one for me. I need this now more then ever.