Lately I have been praying for more ass in my life.  I know, I could be a little more specific, but I figure the Almighty gets my drift.  At the club tonight, a pretty big-bottom beauty was dancing near me while I sat watching a drag show.   Out of nowhere she decides to start rubbing her V on my leg. Her pants start sliding down revealing her abundant crack.  Its kind of one of those things that makes you turn your head and wonder, "is this is fun?"- then quickly come to the conclusion that it is not. Later on, I was standing in the back of the Rose Room gazing at the smoke billowing from my friend's hand.  She was engaged in conversation with some gay man who felt obligated to make small talk because he had bummed a smoke. I wasn't following their words, when randomly he started rubbing his ass on me.  It hit me, as his ass checks rubbed against my arm, that I must be more specific when I pray. Not because the Almighty All-knowing doesn’t have a clue- its because God has a fucked up sense of humor.

I was the first one in line at chick-fi-la this morning.  The chicken biscuit was heavenly.  I know I know. But you know what happens when you start a diet on Friday?  Saturday.  That’s what happens.  Actually I was rewarding myself for surviving through the coughing filled ex-smoker hell night.  That is the real problem.  Food is a reward in my world.  Its how I show myself love.  I take the idea of brownie points to a completely different level.  And I love to reward myself.  Hard day at work, eat.  Church is over- I taught a great class, eat.  I don’t feel good, eat.  I feel great, eat.  It’s a good day, eat.  It’s a bad day, eat.  

Problem number one:  food equals reward.

 Problem two recognized today: I am addicted to the feeling of eating, not just the taste.

 After the show, we headed to Cafe Brazil.  Fat Tuesday is coming up, so I decided to reward myself with quesadillas.  I ate half a bowl of guacamole and a lot of queso before I realized, I couldn’t taste a thing.  Nothing.  Not my soda- which I had already finished off two. Not the chips.  Not even hot sauce. It tasted like absolutely nothing. I ate my meal only noticing the texture.  It still felt good to eat because the neuro peptides were released feeding the cells hungry for fatty foods.  But it is scary to me to realize I was so excited about eating I didn’t notice the absence of taste.  Autopilot to where?  

My father was an alcoholic.  When nonalcoholic beers first came out, my mother begged him to drink that, instead, at the bar. His friends made jokes cause he would get drunk off the non-alcoholic the same as full favored brews.  He never drank them again.

I want to reward my self with something that is good for me.  I want to crave life, not slow death.  I want to be addicted to the feeling of healthy comfort.  What does that feel like?  Where does this shift begin? How will this shift in awareness and cultivation of feeling impact the illusion, the dream of the physical world for me?  Will the lessons shift according to how natural the response of self-love flows from me and through me?

As I stood next to the creek this afternoon, I closed my eyes and I could feel the cool breeze against the right side of my face.  The girls were laughing and throwing stones into the water.  I could hear the water running over the rocks.  As I held my ground, the entire world felt like it was swirling all around me.  I became acutely aware of the flow of everything.  This was a good first day of a life style shift.  I am glad the gym was closed- and I was forced to abandon my treadmill for the park.

It is 7 am the next morning now.  I have been up all night coughing.  Nothing is breaking up in my chest.  It’s been 6 days or so since I cut my cigarette consumption down to two per day.  I loved smoking.  I hate coughing.  Jen told me once if I ever got one of those coughing diseases, she wouldn't be friends with me anymore.  The lady at the Walgreen’s shamed me for smoking- and said I needed to go to the doctor before I start coughing up blood. Great.  How bout you just ring up the cough medicine and shove the advice, Dr. Walgreen’s.

 I made a shake for breakfast.   Ingredients: 3 oz aloe vera juice (George's), multiple vitamin & mineral powder (dr. becker's bio nutrients), protein powder- 53 grams of protein (myoplex deluxe by EAS), cod liver oil (one teaspoon), 1 scoop of Knox Nutra Joint Plus Glucosamine, four whole frozen strawberries and some water.

Post walk- we ate at olive garden.  I watched everyone eat delicious paste delights while I sucked back three huge bowls of salad and a bowl of soup.

That night I got hungry.  Very hungry.  Wild animal survival mode hungry.  I drove out to garland to get some rice.  Ate 4-5 cups of Mexican rice- then I got VERY sleepy.  I was literally nodding off while driving home.  My head hitting my chest was waking me up.  My body is freaking.  Passed out in the car sitting up (front of the house)  till one am.  Woke up hungry.  Ate a banana.  Ate two bowls of chicken noodle soup.  Coughed all night.

O 

the new diet starts tomorrow.

i am nervous and hungry already.

They know me.  They all know me.  They smile when I say my order cause they already know the answer.  They no longer ask me what I want to drink- they just bring it to the table.  At Panchos, I get the employee discount.  This is not a joke.  I have eaten in that restaurant in a highchair, normal chair, wheelchair, next to a walker and a cane.  When I was a teenager, I could get food-to-go for free for over a year.  At El Fenix, several people from the wait staff would come to my table ask what had happened after I broke my foot.  I am not a particularly friendly customer, people.  I just eat at these places WAY TO OFTEN.  When I order at El Fenix, they say, "getting the usual?"- And this is not just one waiter- this is several. At Red Lobster, they would just bring out my food.  No questions.

And I know them too. The waiter at El Fenix was in Puerto Rico this summer visiting family.  He loved it. The guy at Whataburger is very polite and precise.  The guys at Taco Cabaña- one has long braids and the other one smiles kind of creepy, but they always get my order right.  They have been working there for several years now.  Taco bell night shift window guy is gay and he missed PRIDE this year.

WHO AM I???

Tonight I walked into JG's, my favorite burger place, and the owner's nephew yells at me from behind the counter " WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??  I NO SEE YOU IN SO LONG TIME??  YOU STILL WORKING AT THE BOOKSTORE?? 

My heart stops.  This is not okay.  I need a salad.  I need to turn on an oven.  Why does this guy know where I worked last year?  Why is he talking like we are old friends???  I don’t want personal relationships with people solely based on my consumption of precooked foods!!

How much money have I spent over the years?  My god, this is every meal for years now.

This is not genetics.  This is me.  I am on autopilot to I-can’t-fit-into-any-of-my-clothes land.  No hope ahead.

Every female on my mother's side is extremely over weight.  I have grown up around women with stomach stapling, crash diets, uppers, lots of speed, diet pills, and the written in stone expectation of growing up overweight.  Never did I see anyone exercise.  Never.  I take that back- I think I saw mom ride a bike one time when I was seven.  And we bowled as a family... but you get the idea.  We perfected the art of over eating.  And the foods prepared were packed with as many fats grams as possible.  All family activities were side dishes to whatever food was being consumed.  My mother never cooked at home. ( on very rare occasions she would whip up a mean grill cheese sandwich.) McDonalds, Long John Silver's, Arbys, Lubys, Pizza Hut, Panchos, Whataburger, Wendy’s- this was home cooked for me.  I ate out for every meal growing up with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas or when visiting my grandmother.    I was only allowed to eat the bananas after they had turned brown because they were for my father.. WTF was she thinking??  I have no idea.  She was lost and so was everyone else in the dream of my childhood.

Even though the past does not predict the now-

As an adult, I still struggle to find balance.  I have spent years not knowing how to cook and having no idea where to begin.  Basic ideas of self-care eluding me.

But all of that is going to change now.  I have been going to the gym steady for a month.  My diet has shifted from fast food to home cooked, and tomorrow I will fine-tune the eating program.